It can be an incredibly moving experience to hear the song that moved your heart into a place of communion with the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, we have no words but those provided to us through songs that may seem corny.
We hide. We disassociate ourselves from those of whom we are ashamed. Yet, the only offering God asked for in terms of worship is a genuine, joyful noise.
I am soooo guilty of rating my worship for God and deciding what's "good enough" for God to accept. In all honesty, when the truth within me shines through the masks I put on to seem acceptable, it is the greatest gift to God. What could be better than giving my true, whole and honest self to the creator of the universe? God knows I can't sing. He made me that way. It's no surprise to God, so why should I hide it like it's some great secret?
I pray that God give me the courage to worship freely, whether I am vocally talented or not.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Suffocating Separation
I have been separated from the church for a while, and, I feel, from God even longer. So many images have been used to describe this experience. A desert, drought, dying things. Some form of life or growth cut off from the supply that not only allows it to thrive, but also to just survive.
While I do feel the internal and intellectual drain of emotional and spiritual connection keenly, it isn't necessarily what has caused me the most pain. I see my experience differently.
Imagine a glass cage. Clear walls that allow you to watch, but not experience. An impenetrable barrier that confines you. Now, imagine a clone of yourself. It laughs the same, cries the same, talks and walks the same. But it is not you. There is a fundamental difference between the truth and the lie. And yet, you find that this impostor is living your life.
And you?
You are forced to watch yourself do things that do not reflect your thoughts, your values, even your temperament.
You still experience the pain, the shame, the loneliness and all those things we thoroughly despise, but it feels like there is no way for you to control it. Nothing to be done. Time and again, despite what you know, what you believe, you watch this version of yourself fumble, fall and fail.
While I do feel the internal and intellectual drain of emotional and spiritual connection keenly, it isn't necessarily what has caused me the most pain. I see my experience differently.
Imagine a glass cage. Clear walls that allow you to watch, but not experience. An impenetrable barrier that confines you. Now, imagine a clone of yourself. It laughs the same, cries the same, talks and walks the same. But it is not you. There is a fundamental difference between the truth and the lie. And yet, you find that this impostor is living your life.
And you?
You are forced to watch yourself do things that do not reflect your thoughts, your values, even your temperament.
You still experience the pain, the shame, the loneliness and all those things we thoroughly despise, but it feels like there is no way for you to control it. Nothing to be done. Time and again, despite what you know, what you believe, you watch this version of yourself fumble, fall and fail.
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