Week 7 Homework

1. Finish the journal entry you started in the last 201 Seminar. Utilize this as a means of clarifying your vows. Allow it to tenderize your heart in a way that will give God access to the deepest places in your experience. Then, pray with God about the journal entry you wrote. Ask the Lord to reveal any place where your vows have placed your past in your future, preventing you from full obedience and from living the life God has given you.

The "talk" about the Bird issue

Age: 22

Place: Indianapolis, IN

Scene: Eating brunch with my father and step-mother

Immediate concerns: Relocating the Bird - Admitting the truth to dad - Failing in school - Depression - Money issues - No friends or support - Possible emotional abuse - poor performance at work/hating my job - Getting emotional in public - Dependent roommate - school debt

We were in one of those fancy places that only makes a few dishes and once they're out, they're out. I was exhausted, running on 2-3 days without medication while trying to manage a 27 year old baby.I walked into that restaurant preparing myself for a shaming. Conversation was light and comfortable for a while, but we eventually reached a point where my dad said he was ready to talk. So, I told him the truth. He told me that he felt hurt and betrayed because I had not only lied to him, but also used his money to house and feed this man who was living with me. We were living together. My father has an incredibly low opinion of anyone who lives with their partner before marriage. I wanted to be strong and face the impact of my actions. I wanted to be level-headed and responsible. What I really experienced was a version of the negative, shaming tapes that had been playing in my head over and over again for months. I hear disappointment, disgust and anger. 

What I really wanted, more than anything else, was someone who would understand. Who would support me, rather than tell me all the things I already knew I did wrong. I wanted someone to acknowledge how much I'd been hurting. How alone I'd been. I wanted help to figure out how to clean up the mess, instead of threats to kick him out on the street. I wanted someone to understand that I couldn't be okay with abandoning someone in the middle of a strange city with no money and no place to go.

I was already crying, already drowning in shame, already painfully aware of my failings. I was ashamed that I had let it happen. I was ashamed to be sobbing in the middle of a restaurant. I was ashamed that I was alive. One of the things my father said will forever stick with me. To paraphrase: If you have another break down, I'm not going to be around. I was already so alone. Hearing that even my father didn't want to be around me...there are no words.

What am I getting present to? Shame and self-loathing. Anxiety about future discussions on the topic. Guilt and shame. The feeling that I need to make it up to my family. Loneliness.

1. Pay attention this week to being stopped. Notice when something becomes uncomfortable. What do you do or not do? What do you say or not say? This is important to the ongoing process of building awareness that is central to this part of 201. Write a journal entry about two conversations or experiences in which you noticed being stopped.  
1. What happened?  
2. What did you not say that you would have if you had been free to be fully self expressed?  
3. What did you say that you wish you had not said?  
4. Is this way of being a pattern in the relationships with the people who were involved?  
5. Is it a pattern in the kinds of relationships these people represent to you? 

Situation 1:

1. I missed/forgot a shift for work and was scared because my manager mentioned needing to have a talk about my attendance. The next two times I went into work, I was careful to intentionally avoid any and all managers. I was slightly on edge and kind of marinating in shame. I had screwed up. I had failed again. When I was on the phone with the manager the first time, I simply agreed we needed to have a talk. I was ashamed, but ready to take responsibility for my failures. I wanted to just ignore it when I missed the shift, but I made myself ask for advice and eventually called in. 

2. I would have been able to acknowledge my mistakes, and take responsibility without going into a place of shame. I would have been able to give my word that I would improve. 

3. I didn't say anything. I just let it hang there. I didn't mention it and neither did they, which only made me more anxious.

4. The only one I was really worried about seeing was my store manager. I basically turn into a mouse when he's around. I don't say anything unless I need to ask a question and I try not to bother him beyond that. I can feel my inner self curling up in a ball, bracing for discipline.

5. It certainly is how I react to authority in general. I expect to be high performing, reliable and low maintenance, which means there is a constant fear that I will be fired when I don't meet my own standards. I'm always wondering if I've done enough, if they're mad about mistakes, if I'm going to get a "talk" or be put on probation.

Situation 2:

1. I was having a conversation with my little brother about his struggles at school. Sort of falling back into my role as a caretaker, but I do a better job of not offering help until people want/need it. I am deeply hurt to know how hard things have been for him. I want to control things so that everything can be sunshiny and wonderful, but I can't. I was triggered by his situation and started to tell him I was worried that it would become a pattern if he quit to avoid the problem instead of standing his ground. He said his time was more valuable. I wanted to say more, to say that something he worked so hard for shouldn't be ruined by others. I didn't want him to quit and prematurely cut himself off from resources and relationships that could be so good for him. I was finally able to just be quiet and listen, rather than continuing to offer advice and try to control.

2. I would have expressed my anxiety by telling him about how I felt I'd been in similar situations and I was scared that running away would become a habit. I already feel like it is. There is shame in feeling like I can never stand up for myself.

3. I wish I hadn't offered my advice. That puts up back in our old roles, which were clearly limiting and dysfunctional. I also feel like it hurts him. Like he feels disrespected because I'm still treating him the same way I did when he was little, and that negates all his growth and progress.

4. This was definitely how he and I would relate in the past. It's so easy for me to turn confidant and protector, whether he wants it or not. 

5. It is my autopilot when it comes to my family. I grew up being the family caretaker and peace keeper. Therapy and God's guidance have allowed me to leave that role, but it is so easy for me to slide back into it without even thinking. I want to fix things. I want to make people feel better, I want people to understand one another. I'm not God, and things always end badly when I try to pretend I am.

Chapter 4...I think

Chapter Notes: 

Scripture: John 13:1-11

Reflecting on practice:

Is your spiritual workout showing fruit?

In a word, no. I cannot say that I've been as regular with it as I'd like. I must give praise to God for giving me the willingness to continue to press forward, regardless of my general struggle. I have considered making changes, and I think I shall. As I am still working through vows and personal issues that prevent me from finding a home church, I have determined that I need to find a way to at least replicate the experience. Fellowship will have to come separately and in its own way, but listening to audiobooks and sermons on Christian thought is an easy fix. I have found that I am healthier, spiritually, and more alive in general when I have such things to feed upon, and it seems to make me only hungry for more. 

Vision of victory: If you were to wake up tomorrow, free of your vow and the associated behaviors, what would that look like?

In the past, I have been reluctant to "play full out" in regards to anything that involves some sort of hope. I hesitate to call it a breakthrough, but as a result of some of the "transformational conversations" I've had, the thick walls of my obstinate resistance have been pierced, and I begin to see hints of the sun. That being said, I have found it easier to have multiple vision statements. I'll only write one here.

I would like to be free from the constant expectation of danger from all sides. In the past, I have held to the belief that no one is ever completely safe to trust. As a result, every venture into the public sphere felt like walking through a minefield. My behavior was a strange mixture of excessive compliance, hoping that being nice and pleasing to all would prevent an explosion, and a careful distancing of myself due to distrust. 

To be free of such a way of being would both eliminate the anxiety that is the background to all my interpersonal interactions, and give me the opportunity to truly engage in and reap the fruit of my current relationships.

Places where I have been stopped:

- Anything involving hopefulness
- In expressing things that frustrate me with my family (given looks, kicked under the table, little talks about how not to offend other people)
- In engaging with my family (stressful to always been on my "best behavior")
- In finding a home church (fear born of negative past experiences)

The last part involves calling up distinct, painful memories. I have done this in a  previous post, so I'm not really feeling like doing it again.

Secretly, We're on Week 3

Autoplot- a conditioned response that requires no thought or reflection.

1) Think about a recent conversation in which you got defensive.

Talking with Jesse about helping around the house.

When I get defensive, I recoil. There is the chance that my feelings are guiding me rather than logic. I try my best to hear the other person out while floating out a hint of my opinion on the matter. If the hint is not received well, I just clam up. I imagine there's no way they will even consider considering my perspective.


Until...I've stored up my opinions and feelings for too long and explode, without being able to control the flow of pent-up feelings.

Transformation Conversations
Telling the truth about what is so for my life
B) Vision for who/what/how you will be in the

C- Clear: Be specific and authentic about what happened and the meaning you gave it
A- Authentic
P- Passionate: Intensity of convo, body language, etc. The other person needs to know you're serious about this.

These conversations are successful if the other person is touched, moved and inspired.

This coming week is week 5

Week 6 Journal

I know this isn't exactly in chronological order, but I'll edit it later so you'll never know the difference.

Write a journal entry that is a transformation conversation about making a Faith Declaration regarding your future missional community. What is the hopeful future that you see? Where will you be on mission with others? What will the impact be as that missional community begins to function? What scares you about launching or joining a missional community? What progress are you making in overcoming your reservations or fears?

In general, I have difficulty imagining the future, but I can see myself making plans to serve others with a community of motivated believers with no problems at all. It makes me wonder if I'm defining a missional community in the right way.

I have a heart for those who have been chewed up and spit out by society, and are expected to change with no support at all. I hadn't really been exposed to this community until I was hospitalized myself for a mental disorder. I saw all sorts of people. Some who had no intention of trying to change, some who were teetering on the edge between their health and outside influences, and a lot of people who had nothing left but an honest, screwed up, dirty version of themselves. In that place, it's so easy to be yourself. No one is pretending they have it all together, because they wouldn't be in a mental hospital if they did. It's like living in a true judgement free zone.

Then, suddenly, they're given the bill and kicked out. Abandoned in the world that had led them to destruction just a little while ago. Why wouldn't an addict go back to old habits if that's the only world they have? Why wouldn't an alcoholic start drinking again with no support and no knowledge of how to work their way out of the situations or away from the people who inspired their habit in the first place. You've spent weeks in a protected oasis of understanding, and then you're thrust into the real world without any transitional assistance.

It is a terrifying prospect. All those fears you thought you'd worked through seem to wait just outside the gates of the hospital. You've been working hard to change, but everything in your world has remained the same.

I want to be that transitional assistance. Sure, there are halfway houses and the like, but receiving a hospital bill, then considering taking on another obligation that's even more expensive is almost preposterous.

People are expected to mend their ways and become productive members of society, but are left to the cold world without tools or connections. Finding people to help bridge this gap and change the entire experience would fill my heart with so much joy.

Week 1: Homework

Determine and declare what you will do as your spiritual workout for the duration of 201. This should include daily, weekly, and occasional spiritual practices. Write the workout down, share it in your coaching call and begin implementing it. We will call this your spiritual workout (SW).

Spiritual Workout Menu:
- Solitude + Daily reading in the morning
- Prayer before work (or equivalent time)
- Solitude refocusing during lunch
- Prayer, gratitude, confession at the end of work (or equivalent time)
- Fellowship at least once a week

Set aside one hour of solitude, review those entries, and describe, as clearly as you can,
an experience you had in which you felt hurt, embarrassed, rejected, ridiculed, or
condemned.

I remember sitting in the sanctuary of the youth building at my old church. I'd spent the morning serving with the children's ministry, politely socialized with some adults at "big church," had brunch and made it back to church again for youth group. I never really felt like I belonged there. I'd had a few sort of friends for a while. I always felt more like a hanger-on than a friend. I felt like I always had to be pleasing and on display, or I'd be left alone. My friends were older than I was, and once they graduated, I was alone again. I tried for a while, but I just couldn't seem to connect with anyone there. I got along with the youth minister and our speaker, but I always seemed to tell the wrong jokes, laugh at the wrong things, be interested in the wrong topics and be fascinated by the wrong parts of the Bible.

I spent so many Sunday nights, sitting alone, watching everyone else find the friend groups they'd been in forever. It was too late. They'd already made their friends. I could tell when they were just being nice to me because they were in church. It was fairly obvious. Instead, I tried to find others who were alone. A good thought, but not so great in execution. I'd end up with people I felt I couldn't leave because I didn't want my name added to the list of those who had abandoned them.

It was lonely. It was painful. It as repeated, outright rejection in the house of God. I listened to the sermon, buried myself in the word, and did my best to struggle through the time left for discipleship groups. Another, smaller setting in which the differences between myself and, seemingly, everyone else could be put into stark contrast. I'd been in small groups with these same girls since seventh grade, and even during my senior year of high school, I never spent any more time with them than was required for D-groups and other church events.

I learned that I would never be able to connect with my peers. I could carry on interesting conversations with adults on a variety of topics that interested me and I took great pleasure in letting it all go to bond, heart and soul, with the kids placed under my care. I was an old soul who was young at heart. It sounded pretty, but what it meant was crushing loneliness and disconnection from the people I would be around the most.

Vows created:

• I will not be vulnerable to people who don't care
• I will not seek/allow room for the love of others
• I will not be like my peers
• I will always be content with being alone

I think I'll start with this. I probably will need to beef it up, but I'll start by regulating what I sorta kinda do now.

Write a one-page journal entry as a response to this question: What is your first, instinctive response to the idea of launching or joining a missional community?

My first response is a mixture of great joy and terror. The thought of being in a community of individuals focused on creating change in the community for the glory of God sounds like a dream come true. I have been opening myself to the possibility of other life paths beyond the one I'd planned for myself, and service to the community has been a constantly recurring theme. 

Not only that, but it would sate my craving for fellowship. The thought of simply interacting with people with the goal of relationship makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. It's like another business networking event for my life. I never get authentic relationships from such events. I put on my extrovert skin, smile, laugh, crack jokes, entertain and seek to impress. I use up all my energy trying to be acceptable, then leave drained and still disconnected. Having a shared goal and purpose not only makes it more likely that I will meet people of like heart, but it gives us something to focus on beyond ourselves and how great we have to pretend to be. 

Bonding over work, struggle, success and failure is much more doable than being expected to conjure a relationship out of thin air. I find I am the most connected with people (with few exceptions) when I am participating in or leading a group that has a shared vision. I am better able to celebrate others' strengths and encourage them as they work to improve their weaknesses. I have a goal upon which I can focus my energy so I don't have to approach others at full force.

I also find myself to be most joyful and content in the midst of service. Using what skills and talents I have been blessed with to serve those in need. When it's not about me or you, but about showing God's love for another, I am at my best. I noticed this during the mission trips my old church would go on. Summer in Mexico is unnecessarily hot, but knowing that I was acting as an example of Christian living and loving while also improving the lives of the children at the orphanage made every second of dehydration worth it.  I could put up with half-hearted praise, cliques, isolation and pretense because I knew that what I was doing was bigger than that.

Now for the bit about terror. It's not so convoluted. Fellowships is not my strong suit. To say it is a struggle is an understatement. Meeting new people and, most often, even keeping in touch with current friends takes a tremendous amount of energy for me. I have to claw through fear, anxiety, insecurity and fatigue just to give my best friend a call. MY BEST FRIEND. I avoid answering the phone simply because answering seems like one of Hercules' tasks. So, intentionally throwing myself into a group of new people is, by comparison, equivalent to trying to balance the world on my back. (My back gets sore loading the dishwasher. I know for a fact that I cannot handle the world.)

Reading: Week One

This is the beginning. Definitions, evaluations, vocabulary and review. I'm hearing a lot of things that I know that I think that I know, while also knowing that I don't always live like I know these things...

Make sense? No? Good.

We're beginning by starting with spiritual disciplines. Praying, fasting, reading the Bible, meditation, etc. Some might say these items make up the "Laundry List of Good Christians." While it can often be that way, it is clear that this process is challenging me to make it more than a to-do list. It's also saying that I'm going to have to increase the intensity. For one who takes great pleasure in avoiding exercise, I'm admittedly reluctant to hear such talk.

As they list the disciplines and talk about their applications, I find myself bending the truth, making up stories and generally finding ways to justify my lack of vigilance in these areas. I haven't even begun the first step and it already seems like I'm trying to justify my failures.

What practices do I regularly engage?

-Prayer: Shotgun prayers are my specialty. Unless I'm running from God (which happens more than I'd care to admit), I seem to have a constant stream of prayer running through my head

-Meditation: To say I do this regularly might be a stretch, but I often to it to cope with my anxiety and panic disorders, and God is usually involved. Yeesh, that sounds bad on a page.

-Reading Scripture: This has been my struggle for the past few months. It used to take a miracle to get me into the Word. Not for lack of interest, but it just wasn't a habit. My head was so full of everything else that being condemned by scripture was the last thing on my mind. Since then, I've started a few devotional programs that have built up my Bible reading muscle, so now it's something I do almost daily. The only downside is that, having developed the habit, it's easy for me to tune it out when I'm taking the daily dose.

-Confession: Now, I'm not the best at this, and I can't claim it comes for the purest motives, but I am much better at admitting and repenting for my sins, even if I'm not sure what they are. Not that I want to issues blanket repentance, but I'm a lot better at sensing when I'm out of tune with God, so I can ask Him to show me my sin. I know I still take on blame for things that could never have been my fault, and I gloss over those sins that cause too much painful shame for me to dwell on, but that's where I am at the moment.

Some of these come more easily to me because I am accustomed to being alone. In painful situations and in safe ones, I have learned that the place that feels the safest is deep inside my head. So acts that are more reflective, that allow me to process experiences before coming to conclusions, come more naturally to me.

Things that require action have become increasingly more difficult over the years.  Service used to be my heart and soul. I might not be the best singer or tither (is that a word?) or evangelist, but I could serve others until I had nothing left. That was part of the problem, though. That pure, open and willing-hearted service blended into compliant avoidance (ref. Boundaries I'll have to find the book to give more details). My living sacrifice turned into my tool of torture until I drained every last bit of energy I had out of me. Fasting is another discipline with which I struggle. For that one, I worry most about my motives. It's too easy for negative self-esteem or a misguided sense of discipline to corrupt my genuine periods of fasting. The point is to abstain so that one may develop a better connection with the Lord, not because I feel like I'm fat.

Also, I'd be an ace at fellowship, but it tends to require the participation of other people...Geh.

"Now, be still for a moment. What is the internal dialogue that the word ‘accountability’ stirs up in you?"

If I'm being honest (which is the point), then I'd say my first reaction is "Oh, great. Someone else to disappoint. Another toe tapping while I struggle and fail to juggle all the balls, go the distance, find that work-life balance and all together handle my life. The last thing I need is another judge."


Okay, almost done. I thought it would be helpful to list the spiritual disciplines they reference here:

Practices of abstinence: fasting, solitude, and silence

Practices of engagement: study, worship, service, prayer, fellowship and confession.

Interestingly enough, these are less two diverging roads and more two sides of a balance. Focusing solely on one or the other can lead to neglect and opportunities for sinfulness in areas that would have been addressed by engaging in the opposite spiritual practices. I like the way Willard describes it as breathing in and out. You need both to stay alive.

--------

Okay, so that's all for this week's reading (which I confess to doing kind of last minute. 0.0)

I have three tasks left from this week's homework:

1)  Write down, share and begin implementing my Spiritual Workout (SW)

2) Spend an hour of solitude reviewing journal entries and reflections from the Faithwalking 101 retreat and try to get clear on any vows, or experiences which led to vows

3) Write a one-page journal entry (I'll have to figure out what that means in terms of a blog) in response to this question. What is your first, instinctive response to the idea of launching or joining a missional community?

o Then spend some time holding the hopes and the fears that you expressed in the journal entry before the Lord

o Read the journal entry to at least two people in your life: a friend, a spouse, a pastor, a co-worker,

o Reflect on the experience of sharing this possibility with others. What does it stir up in you?



Gross. I'm going to have to have feelings...and share them.

*sigh* I take up my cross, Lord, to follow thee, and I know that I take each step but by the grace of God.


~God all bless!!!~

A New Purpose for an Old Medium

I created this blog in a stroke of "genius." Like a thunderclap, God had opened my eyes to the truth of a situation and it was my duty, nay, my calling, to share this revelation with the world!

Right...

So, I'm trying this again. With more humble expectations, I hope to share with you my pursuit of Christ as I walk through the Faithwalking 201 course. If you haven't heard of it, Faithwalking, you can check it out at faithwalking.us. It's a revolutionary take on the Christian life. Well, revolutionary in that the expectations and principles are those that seem to have been long forgotten by modern Christianity. I'll post the main idea here:

God is using Faithwalking to create a community of disciples of Jesus who are being personally transformed and becoming catalysts mobilizing Christians to become the functioning Body of Christ in their neighborhoods, workplaces, and 3rd places
• to serve the poor, the marginalized, and those in need
• to work for the common good, and
• to restore individuals, social systems, communities and nations to God's design.

Simple, straightforward, obvious. Right? Until you discover that they are authentic in their desire for these things to come to life. And trust me, the road toward becoming more Christ-like in a healthy, whole and genuine way is no walk in the park.

Even so, I'm inviting you to join me (or kick your feet up and watch me) struggle, push, pray, cry and fight through this journey. God all bless.