I have been separated from the church for a while, and, I feel, from God even longer. So many images have been used to describe this experience. A desert, drought, dying things. Some form of life or growth cut off from the supply that not only allows it to thrive, but also to just survive.
While I do feel the internal and intellectual drain of emotional and spiritual connection keenly, it isn't necessarily what has caused me the most pain. I see my experience differently.
Imagine a glass cage. Clear walls that allow you to watch, but not experience. An impenetrable barrier that confines you. Now, imagine a clone of yourself. It laughs the same, cries the same, talks and walks the same. But it is not you. There is a fundamental difference between the truth and the lie. And yet, you find that this impostor is living your life.
And you?
You are forced to watch yourself do things that do not reflect your thoughts, your values, even your temperament.
You still experience the pain, the shame, the loneliness and all those things we thoroughly despise, but it feels like there is no way for you to control it. Nothing to be done. Time and again, despite what you know, what you believe, you watch this version of yourself fumble, fall and fail.
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