This is the beginning. Definitions, evaluations, vocabulary and review. I'm hearing a lot of things that I know that I think that I know, while also knowing that I don't always live like I know these things...
Make sense? No? Good.
We're beginning by starting with spiritual disciplines. Praying, fasting, reading the Bible, meditation, etc. Some might say these items make up the "Laundry List of Good Christians." While it can often be that way, it is clear that this process is challenging me to make it more than a to-do list. It's also saying that I'm going to have to increase the intensity. For one who takes great pleasure in avoiding exercise, I'm admittedly reluctant to hear such talk.
As they list the disciplines and talk about their applications, I find myself bending the truth, making up stories and generally finding ways to justify my lack of vigilance in these areas. I haven't even begun the first step and it already seems like I'm trying to justify my failures.
What practices do I regularly engage?
-Prayer: Shotgun prayers are my specialty. Unless I'm running from God (which happens more than I'd care to admit), I seem to have a constant stream of prayer running through my head
-Meditation: To say I do this regularly might be a stretch, but I often to it to cope with my anxiety and panic disorders, and God is usually involved. Yeesh, that sounds bad on a page.
-Reading Scripture: This has been my struggle for the past few months. It used to take a miracle to get me into the Word. Not for lack of interest, but it just wasn't a habit. My head was so full of everything else that being condemned by scripture was the last thing on my mind. Since then, I've started a few devotional programs that have built up my Bible reading muscle, so now it's something I do almost daily. The only downside is that, having developed the habit, it's easy for me to tune it out when I'm taking the daily dose.
-Confession: Now, I'm not the best at this, and I can't claim it comes for the purest motives, but I am much better at admitting and repenting for my sins, even if I'm not sure what they are. Not that I want to issues blanket repentance, but I'm a lot better at sensing when I'm out of tune with God, so I can ask Him to show me my sin. I know I still take on blame for things that could never have been my fault, and I gloss over those sins that cause too much painful shame for me to dwell on, but that's where I am at the moment.
Some of these come more easily to me because I am accustomed to being alone. In painful situations and in safe ones, I have learned that the place that feels the safest is deep inside my head. So acts that are more reflective, that allow me to process experiences before coming to conclusions, come more naturally to me.
Things that require action have become increasingly more difficult over the years. Service used to be my heart and soul. I might not be the best singer or tither (is that a word?) or evangelist, but I could serve others until I had nothing left. That was part of the problem, though. That pure, open and willing-hearted service blended into compliant avoidance (ref. Boundaries I'll have to find the book to give more details). My living sacrifice turned into my tool of torture until I drained every last bit of energy I had out of me. Fasting is another discipline with which I struggle. For that one, I worry most about my motives. It's too easy for negative self-esteem or a misguided sense of discipline to corrupt my genuine periods of fasting. The point is to abstain so that one may develop a better connection with the Lord, not because I feel like I'm fat.
Also, I'd be an ace at fellowship, but it tends to require the participation of other people...Geh.
"Now, be still for a moment. What is the internal dialogue that the word ‘accountability’ stirs up in you?"
If I'm being honest (which is the point), then I'd say my first reaction is "Oh, great. Someone else to disappoint. Another toe tapping while I struggle and fail to juggle all the balls, go the distance, find that work-life balance and all together handle my life. The last thing I need is another judge."
Okay, almost done. I thought it would be helpful to list the spiritual disciplines they reference here:
Practices of abstinence: fasting, solitude, and silence
Practices of engagement: study, worship, service, prayer, fellowship and confession.
Interestingly enough, these are less two diverging roads and more two sides of a balance. Focusing solely on one or the other can lead to neglect and opportunities for sinfulness in areas that would have been addressed by engaging in the opposite spiritual practices. I like the way Willard describes it as breathing in and out. You need both to stay alive.
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Okay, so that's all for this week's reading (which I confess to doing kind of last minute. 0.0)
I have three tasks left from this week's homework:
1) Write down, share and begin implementing my Spiritual Workout (SW)
2) Spend an hour of solitude reviewing journal entries and reflections from the Faithwalking 101 retreat and try to get clear on any vows, or experiences which led to vows
3) Write a one-page journal entry (I'll have to figure out what that means in terms of a blog) in response to this question. What is your first, instinctive response to the idea of launching or joining a missional community?
o Then spend some time holding the hopes and the fears that you expressed in the journal entry before the Lord
o Read the journal entry to at least two people in your life: a friend, a spouse, a pastor, a co-worker,
o Reflect on the experience of sharing this possibility with others. What does it stir up in you?
Gross. I'm going to have to have feelings...and share them.
*sigh* I take up my cross, Lord, to follow thee, and I know that I take each step but by the grace of God.
~God all bless!!!~
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