Chapter 4...I think

Chapter Notes: 

Scripture: John 13:1-11

Reflecting on practice:

Is your spiritual workout showing fruit?

In a word, no. I cannot say that I've been as regular with it as I'd like. I must give praise to God for giving me the willingness to continue to press forward, regardless of my general struggle. I have considered making changes, and I think I shall. As I am still working through vows and personal issues that prevent me from finding a home church, I have determined that I need to find a way to at least replicate the experience. Fellowship will have to come separately and in its own way, but listening to audiobooks and sermons on Christian thought is an easy fix. I have found that I am healthier, spiritually, and more alive in general when I have such things to feed upon, and it seems to make me only hungry for more. 

Vision of victory: If you were to wake up tomorrow, free of your vow and the associated behaviors, what would that look like?

In the past, I have been reluctant to "play full out" in regards to anything that involves some sort of hope. I hesitate to call it a breakthrough, but as a result of some of the "transformational conversations" I've had, the thick walls of my obstinate resistance have been pierced, and I begin to see hints of the sun. That being said, I have found it easier to have multiple vision statements. I'll only write one here.

I would like to be free from the constant expectation of danger from all sides. In the past, I have held to the belief that no one is ever completely safe to trust. As a result, every venture into the public sphere felt like walking through a minefield. My behavior was a strange mixture of excessive compliance, hoping that being nice and pleasing to all would prevent an explosion, and a careful distancing of myself due to distrust. 

To be free of such a way of being would both eliminate the anxiety that is the background to all my interpersonal interactions, and give me the opportunity to truly engage in and reap the fruit of my current relationships.

Places where I have been stopped:

- Anything involving hopefulness
- In expressing things that frustrate me with my family (given looks, kicked under the table, little talks about how not to offend other people)
- In engaging with my family (stressful to always been on my "best behavior")
- In finding a home church (fear born of negative past experiences)

The last part involves calling up distinct, painful memories. I have done this in a  previous post, so I'm not really feeling like doing it again.